


Am I Still Enough?

by Fangirlingmanaged



Series: Luke Bryan Sappy Love Songs [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Do I?, Hurt Castiel, Hurt Dean Winchester, I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry Dean, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Not Happy, Not a Love Story, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sexuality Crisis, Song Lyrics, not okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-01
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-23 11:50:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2546474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirlingmanaged/pseuds/Fangirlingmanaged
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's family comes to town to visit their younger child. Dean and Cas have been going strong for a year. Nothing can break their bond, right?<br/>(Not really a happy story, sorry.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Am I Still Enough?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry? *throws tissues*

It’s funny how things go to shit just when you think that everything is going great. You’ve been having a great day, hell, you’ve been having a great _year_. You met the love of your life at a freaking bonfire, you’re on your third year of college and are already lined up for an internship. Plus, your freaky smarty pants little brother is about to graduate high school with the highest of honors. There is nothing in the world that could top the year you’ve hand, and of course that’s when fucking Faith decides to make the world from beneath your feet.

Dean doesn’t really notice anything wrong until it’s too late, of course. He doesn’t know what to do, really. I mean, how do you tell the love of your life that you can’t let them go?

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

It starts, Dean realizes later, with a simple phone call. He’s in Castiel’s bed at the Novak’s house, and he can hear his boyfriend (he loves saying that) speaking to someone in the bathroom. They’d been lying together in bed, barely waking up at ten in the morning on a Saturday, when Cas’s phone had begun to ring. He’d groaned and rolled over to pick up his phone, and as soon as he’d seen the caller id he’d gone stiff. Dean was mildly concerned, not because he thought Cas might be cheating on him, but because a tensions like that only meant one thing. Family call.

Cas had only spoken about his family to Dean once, and that was in stilted broken sentences. It had been followed by a complete breakdown from Castiel, and that was something he never wanted to experience again. Needless to say, Dean was very on guard about Cas’s family after that. He was an overprotective bastard, and he knew it, so it didn’t take much for him to already hate his boyfriend’s family with the exception of Gabriel. Bunch of judgmental assholes, the lot of them. He strained his ears to hear what Cas had been saying, which is when he realized his boyfriend was a little too quiet.

Hurriedly, he threw the covers off his naked legs and stumbled to the bathroom door. He was probably a sight, blond hair in disarray and eyes bloodshot and weary, but Castiel looked worse. He was sitting on the close toilet lid, his phone on the bathroom sink next to him, and his head on his trembling hands. Dean wasn’t very good at the whole feelings crap, but he hated seeing his boyfriend this miserable. Slowly, he made his way closer to him and sat at his feet. They sat in uncomfortable, heavy silent for long moments until Cas released a breath like a sob.

“They’re coming to visit,” he said into his hands. His voice, usually deep, was now scratchy with unshed tears. When Dean doesn’t respond, Cas raises his head to glare at him. “They’re coming to see if they can convince me to give up my deviant ways,” his laugh is hollow and wet. It rips at Dean’s insides.

“What are you going to do?” he knows his voice surprises Cas. He’s not one to speak softly, tread around a topic as if it’s fragile glass, but he’s different with Cas. Castiel has been the exception to every one of his rules from the moment they met.

“I don’t know,” Cas whispers because he really doesn’t. He can’t tell them not to come, they won’t listen to him, and he can avoid them forever. Despite how much they’ve hurt him they’re still family, and he’s always going to have a weak spot for them. He knows Dean understands that. “I can’t say no to them, but… I don’t want another confrontation, Dean. I’ve had enough, they kicked me out, I thought… I thought they would just… let me be. But now… they’re back and I just, I just can’t say no to them, but I don’t—“ that’s when the sobs start.

Dean’s quick to raise himself to his knees and gather him in his arms. He pulls Castiel into his lap and shushes him softly; presses kisses into his disarrayed hair. And Cas doesn’t tell him, because he enjoys the comfort and knows it’d kill Dean to know, but even then there’s a voice in his head telling him that what he’s doing is wrong. There’s a voice in his head condemning him for being a deviant, _a sinner_ , and for the first time in a year he listens to that voice.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Dean’s going to die of a heart attack soon, he can feel it. He’s sitting in the couch at Castiel’s house, this week is Cas’s place, with a beer in his hand and Dr. Sexy MD playing on the TV. He’s barely glanced at it, though, because he’s been busy staring at the clock waiting for Castiel to arrive. His parents had been in town for a couple of days, and both Novak siblings had been incredibly subdued.

He and Cas had decided from that fateful day that Dean would _not_ be meeting his folks and older brother that day. It wasn’t that Castiel was ashamed of him (Dean hadn’t told him that it most definitely seemed like that to him) but more like he didn’t want to have an argument about him with his family just yet. The wording had grated at something inside of Dean. As if Cas had been saying that he didn’t want to bother his parents when they might not even last long enough to get to the end of this summer. As if they hadn’t been dating for a freaking month, but he hadn’t said anything because Cas had already enough problems to deal with without Dean adding his stupid insecurities to them.

Still, though, something hadn’t seemed right to Dean since that day almost a week ago. Yeah, Cas still greeted him with a kiss whenever they saw each other, and they spelt entwined together almost every night, but there was a stiffness about the raven haired boy reminiscent of the first days of their relationship. Dean felt like he was dealing with the Castiel of back then; the kid who was still trying to convince himself that liking guys and girls wouldn’t send him directly to the fiery pits of hell. He didn’t want to think about it, denied it was even a possibility for them at this point, but Cas had gotten stiff and cold.

Dean has dozed off on the couch by the time Castiel gets home, but he springs to his feet when he realizes he’s not alone. They stare at each other for a while, Dean still holding the beer bottle tightly by its neck, and Cas looking uncomfortable and scared as he stares at the floor.

“Oh, I—I didn’t know you were here,” the blue eyed man says to him, and his voice shakes a little.

In a mannerism he picked up from Cas, Dean tilts his head to the side in confusion. “We’re spending this week here, aren’t we?” he asks uncertainly.

“I—yes, but well, um… since I wasn’t here, I just thought—“ he doesn’t finish his sentence, and Dean doesn’t need him to. Castiel, clearly, doesn’t want him here just now.

“Oh,” it feels like someone punches it out of him as he breathes out the word. He didn’t think it could hurt this bad, having Cas show him he’s unwanted, but he has to keep back tears. He thought… hell, what does it matter what he thought at this point. “I just wanted to see how it went, but I see you’re not in the mood for it. There’s” he has to clear his throat because his voice is close to cracking, “Thai food on the fridge, and I made you that protein shit that you like. I—I can let myself out.” He grabs his jacket, which he’d thankfully kept on the arm of the couch, and hurries past Castiel.

“Dean,” Cas says and he tries to grab at his arm. He’s just realized, has just come out of the hell-trip that was his family dinner really to see, how much he’s hurt Dean. He knows, _knows_ , how touch and affection starved Dean has been since his mother’s death. He knows Dean doesn’t understand how one might say things he doesn’t mean, because he weights and analyzes everything, so he doesn’t really react well to somebody he loves pulling away. And Cas has just blatantly, painfully, brushed him away. In a helpless attempt to keep his boyfriend with him, he blurts out “they want me to try dating a girl.”

Dean freezes on his way out the door. It feels like someone’s pressing his chest cavity in an attempt to destroy his heart. He takes a deep breath but doesn’t turn around, he can’t he’ll cry if he does, so he just stares at the front lawn. “And?” he doesn’t mean it in a careless way, and he knows Castiel knows that.

“I don’t—I don’t know what—“it is, apparently, the wrong thing to say. Dean shakes his hand bitterly and walks out the door; running smack into Gabriel. He apologizes quickly, of course he does, but even from his spot in the living room Castiel hears his voice cracking. Then the love of his life is running for the Impala and speeding off like he can’t wait to get out of Castiel’s presence.

Gabe is standing on the front porch, his mouth set in a thin line and his hands clenched to his side. He doesn’t look at Castiel as he speaks, and maybe that’s best because his voice is cold and harsh. “Whatever it is that you did, I hope you have a way to fix it.” And then the front door slams shut, and Gabriel stomps his way upstairs.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

It is utter hell for both of them, those next three days. They barely see each other, and the only reason that happens at all is because Gabriel sort of forces them together. Even then, though, their interaction is nothing like it used to be. Castiel only kisses him once as he arrives, and once as he leaves. He’s stiff and distant, and he flinches every time Dean puts a hand on him. It is killing him to put up with it, to accept as a new aspect of their relationship, and he doesn’t know how long it’s going to take for him give up and let Castiel. The mere thought of it makes him want to carve out his liver with a spoon.

He doesn’t get a definite answer to his dilemma until day four as he makes his way over to the Roadhouse for some burgers. He’s planning on surprising Cas at home, just drop off and see if that gets them back to where they were. He’s feeling rather optimistic actually, as he knows Gabe won’t be at home, but all his hopes vanish as soon as he places his order and stands back to inspect the room. There’s a crappy country love song playing in the background, and he mostly tunes it out as he inspects the patrons. His eyes find him immediately, of course they do, and he wishes he’d had those shots of Walker back at his place.

Castiel has a polite smile on his face as he listens to a pretty brunet chat him up. He’s dressed in his, now, usual attire. Dark blue button up and jeans, and the dagger sinks a little bit deeper as he remembers how he gushed over that shirt. This is the shirt Castiel takes out on dates, the shirt he wears when he tries to impress someone… this was the shirt he wore when he tried to impress Dean. Dean realizes his hands are shaking and he clenches them together and he takes a deep breath as he tries to stave off the tears.

He went on that date, he went and took out some pretty girl when they were still together. The asshole went and gave in to his family when not a week before he was professing his love for _him._ Dean hasn’t felt this betrayed in his life, and it makes him want to kill something and kill himself at the same time. He’s planning on making a quick exit when someone yells “Hey, Dean!” from a booth behind Cas. The blue eyed man’s head whips up, and his eyes widen in horror.

Dean does the only thing he can think of doing, because he’s hurt and afraid and so incredibly lonely at that moment, he smiles crookedly at his now ex-boyfriend and salutes him. He barely sees Cas’s façade begin to crumble before he tucks tail, and gets all but runs out of there. He’s trying to open the impala, his hands are shaking so badly, when someone grabs him. He isn’t thinking, though he knows who the hands belong to, when he turns around and shoves his assailant off.

The door from the Roadhouse is still open, Cas must have gotten it stuck, and Dean can hear the stupid lyrics from the song as they stare at one another. It’s just another reason for him to want to cry. God, how had they gotten here?

 _"Baby, do I still give you what you need?_  
Still take your breath away?  
Light up the spark way down deep?  
Baby, do I?!"

“So, you made up your mind about that date, huh?” Dean spits at him, just to relieve some of the suffocating pressure in his chest.

“Dean, I—“

“Was I not enough for you? Was I, as a person, not enough for you or was it just the fact that I didn’t have the right parts?” he keeps on going ‘cause that’s all he knows how to do. He’s so incredibly cold, he realizes, like he’s freezing from the inside out. He sees Castiel cry, and he doesn’t feel anything.

“You were more than enough!” the blue eyed angel, he looks just like one with the light shining from the pub behind him, and it chips a little bit more at Dean’s heart.

 _"Whoa! Do I turn you on at all when I kiss you baby?_  
Does the sight of me wanting you drive you crazy?  
Do I have your love? Am I still enough?  
Tell me, don't I? Or tell me, do I, baby"

“You could have… you could have let me down so easy. You could have told me to leave you alone, and I would have done it. For you, to make you happy, I would have ripped out my own heart and handed it to you if you’d wanted,” Dean tells him. He’s disgusted with himself, he’s like a beggar whose only possession has been taken away. And that’s what he is, isn’t he? Castiel was the only solid thing he had.

“I never meant—“ Castiel’s voice cracks.

“To hurt me, yeah, as fucked up as it sounds I bet you think that’s true. But guess what, buddy, you did. And even like that, even with you fucking me over like this, I still love you more than fucking everything else I got. So let me ask again, was I not enough?”

 _“Give you everything that you ever wanted?_  
Would you rather just turn away and leave me lonely?  
Do I just need to give up and get on with my life?  
Tell me baby, do I get one more try? Do I?  
Baby, do I?”

Castiel opens his mouth to answer, to scream YES! At him because it’s so ridiculous to think anyone is better than Dean, but he doesn’t get a chance. At that moment Hannah, the girl his mother had tried to set him up and who had become a friend if nothing else, calls his name from the door. He makes the mistake of turning to look at it, and it is a choice that he will most likely regret for as long as he lives.

All he hears is, “That’s what I thought,” from behind him and then the Impala is out of the lot. He stares after it, his heart on his throat, and fights hard not to crumble.

It isn’t until Hannah is behind him, asking him if he’s all right in a concerned voice that he drops to his knees. He hugs his middle, shaking with sobs, while he wonders if he’s ever going to be able to fix this. Dean, his perfect Dean who is insecure as all hell and self-destructive and loving and sweet and protective and perfect, thinks he isn’t enough for Cas.

“I’m sorry,” he says over and over. As Hannah rubs his back, as Gabe comes to pick him up, as Sam stops speaking to him… he repeats it over and over again, but knows that it isn’t enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I know it's kind of... defeatist for Dean to give up on Cas this easily but i was going along with my own issues of self-esteem and self-hatred. Taking that into account, I can tell you that I would be the type of person to think Castiel would leave me for someone "better."  
> Also, i've never had a sexuality crisis (I am very much attracted to men and women don't really do it for me) so i don't know how hard it is to accept oneself for what one is and feels. I am sorry if it was in any way unrealistic or offensive.  
> Anyways, Leave Kudos and comments if you feel generous enough!  
> -Gabbs


End file.
